Here Be Badgers!

Right, here it is. The Unified Badger Theory…
 
You may have noticed that the only time you ever see badgers is by the road dead. This has lead us to beleive that the natural state of a badger is therefore dead. We know there ARE live badgers, the Gubberment tells us so, as do farmers. A few people has seen them and also noted that their ground state of mind appears to be pissed off.
 
So what does this mean? It means that for most badgers they experience negative senesscence. EG, a badger comes into being dead, it then becomes undead and regresses through to unbirth. This also hapilly explains why badgers are pissed off at everything. Being unborn sounds bad enough but the prospect of the female having to un-birth really sounds no fun.
 
So far we have identified the following two subspecies.
 
The Common Road Badger – These blink into existance along the side of many roads around the country. It would seem these then become undead within a few hours and amble off as they are rareley seen to remain in place.
 
The Lesser Smoking Kentish Rail Badger – As documented over at Notwork Fail. These will apear along the railway line and will often be smoking. As a possible result of friction during creation they may be found smoking ocasionally. They have also been known to attack Notwork Fail and BTP officers on approach for no reason.
 
Rumours persist about the possibility of a thrid subspecies known tentitiveley as the Hampsire Incandescent Road Badger. There have been limited sightings of this animal who seems to become undead with a level of incandescent fury rareley seen outside a household containing two or more toddlers. Upon undeath these animals will wildly and indescriminateley destroy any motor vehicle present. It is suspected the consumption of one or more Land-Rover tyres may halt the attack.
 
It is important to note, unlike sheep, badgers are not dragon resistant, although the fact they do apear to smoulder at the time of creation implies a level of fire proofing and high voltage insulation. We would reccomend againt the use of badgers on high voltage overhead transmission lines, this could result in the evolution of a new species of ‘Drop Badgers’.
 
Research is ongoing to acertain the possibility of using badgers in time travel devices and if hey would make a suitable, low power alternative to flux capacitors if suitably contained.
 
We would dicourace readers from attempting the installation instructions at http://strangehorizons.com/non-fiction/articles/installing-linux-on-a-dead-badger-users-notes/ in light of this discovery. Installation of the cyberspiritual controller at the moment of undeath may result in the badger chaing mindstate from pissed off, to mildly vexed or even worse, bloody furious. Do not trifle in the affairs of Badgers!

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